10 Tips of Dealing with the Divorce Process

By: Mary J. Biacsi, Esq.

#1. Obtain Emotional Support:

You are going through a major life change. Your world may feel like it has turned upside and you are in the midst of a tornado. Take your time to take care of yourself by making certain your emotional needs are being met. Divorce can be a very scary thing to face. Find yourself a competent therapist that you connect with, join a support group and lean on a friend. It is important to feel your emotions and deal with them, so you can move forward through this process!

#2. Ask for Help:

Do not be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a brave

person who can admit they cannot do it all on their own. For many of us, it is hard to ask for help, it is time to get over this - ask for help. You will be amazed at the grace that is bestowed upon you - we all truly want to help each other!

#3. Keep a Journal:

During a difficult time like this you may feel like you are going crazy! You are not! Write down your thoughts, feelings, worries and desires. Keep track of the things that are happening in your relationship that may have an effect on the ultimate outcome of the termination of your marriage. Keep track of things that may affect the outcome of the custody of your children. Make certain, you keep your journal in a place where no one else will read it - unless you invite them to do so.

#4. Gather Financial Information:

Pull together any information you can concerning your financial life, your tax returns, bank statements, mortgage information, retirement and/or pension plan statement. At some point, you will have to take a look at your monthly spending habits. Gather your receipts and checking account statements. Do not let the idea of gathering financial information scare you - remember - you can ask for help!

#5. Examine the Marriage and Accept Responsibility:

Your relationship has not worked out the way you had planned. Taking time to look back to figure out what you did right and what you did wrong can only result in positive movement forward! If there was abuse and you where abused, why did you believe it was okay to be treated so poorly? What is it in you that believes you are not worthy of being treated like the wonderful and amazing person you are? What can you do differently in the future, so you do not find yourself in a similar relationship?

#6. Focus on Ending one Relationship Before You Begin Another:

Deal with one thing at a time. If you do not take the time examine your ending

relationship before you jump into another relationship you will have missed out on a huge opportunity for growth. Your growth! You are worth taking the time to be gentle with yourself and learn to get to know who you truly are before you begin the process of getting to know someone else!

#7. Disengage in Heated Conversations:

Throughout the divorce process emotions can and will run high! When you are in a conversation that is simply going in circles and you feel like you are not being heard - disengaged! Stop talking, stop yelling -simply walk away. Before you begin to speak, ask yourself, how will this make me feel? Is this conversation going to get me anywhere? If not, then be quiet!

#8. Find out What your Rights and Responsibilities are:

Seek the advice of a competent attorney who specializes in the area of Family Law. Again, ask for help! Ask for referrals from friends, co-workers or family. If you are unable to obtain names that way, contact the local bar association. Be prepared with your questions when you meet an attorney. If you do not feel comfortable with the attorney, when you leave his or her office, do not look back. You will be spending a lot of time and money with the person, you are the boss, you need to feel confident in his or her abilities and you must feel comfortable with him or her.

#9. Practice Forgiveness:

Start working on forgiving yourself. Consider trying to forgive your spouse. I know this may seem drastic and impossible! If you hold onto negative feelings there may ultimately be negative consequences to your health. Learning to accept others as they are and forgiving them can be freeing. This does not mean that you need to tell your spouse you forgive them - you need to do this for yourself. Perhaps, the words never need to be said out loud.

#10. Start Discovering your New Life:

This is your opportunity to create the life that you want! Your life may have not turned out the way you planned and that may be hard to let go of but if you look at your future will all of the wonder and amazement it may hold for you - how excited and rejuvenated you will feel. Get to know yourself again! Discover who you are, what you like and dislike. Accept all of you!

- Mary J. Biacsi